


Textbook Tsundere

by sumomomochi



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Other, Post-Sburb/Sgrub, Size Difference, Troll Twilight
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-01
Updated: 2014-09-01
Packaged: 2018-02-13 09:04:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2144934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sumomomochi/pseuds/sumomomochi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So a romantic, an alien with no idea how to flirt, and the worst god damned movie franchise to grace Alternian cinemas walk into a newly rebooted universe...</p><p>(He's so abysmal at normal sentient interactions, he probably doesn’t even realize that he is actually sabotaging himself. It’s disgustingly pitiable. As Dave would say, call troll life alert, you’ve fallen and you can’t get up.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Textbook Tsundere

**Author's Note:**

  * For [CherryMilkshake](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CherryMilkshake/gifts).



> mega thanks to [cherrymilkshake](http://cherrymilkshake.tumblr.com) for being a bro, among other things

You thought the humans were bad at romance, but you were so utterly fucking wrong. Humans are fucking awful at romance, hands down the worst at it. You’re half convinced the only reason they, as a species, managed to last as long as they did is because the Game required them to. Your humans in particular are the worst of the worst. Rose is willing to at least listen to proper courting etiquette even if she doesn’t quite put it into practice. Jane politely declines any quadrant flirting while still being the biggest unintentional pale slut this side of paradox space. Roxy and Jade both completely ignore typical romance standards, human _and_ troll alike, while John and Jake bumble along like idiots and Dave flat out ignores romance all together like a complete wriggler.

Dirk, however, apparently built his flushcrush a muderbot in a very literal sense.

You suppose it’s sort of cute, if a bit too pale of a gesture in your book. Watching him make awkward passes at half of your rebooted crew makes you cringe anyway. He obviously has no fucking idea what he’s doing. He’s too overbearing with Jade, going over everything she builds with a fine tooth comb like he’s _smarter_ than she is, too pale and too pitch all at once. He’s too subtle with John, alluding to his attraction and dropping verbal caltrops in the same breath. He’s hilariously pitch towards Sollux even though you’re pretty sure all he’s angling for is redrom, backseat coding in a way that you’re surprised doesn’t end with a psionic fist to his face.

You’re surprised to realize one day that you actually find him pitiable, but he’s never shown any interest in you and you doubt you have any qualities he’d find appealing. You just secretly pine and point out that no, Jade isn’t dumb and really, you’re just pissing her off; yes, John’s completely oblivious and only interested in one side of your species’ binary dimorphism; no, you probably don’t even want to go there with Equius _or_ either of the Amporas; _stop black flirting with Sollux you dick he’s already got a kismesis that’s not even what you want_.

It gets to the point where you figure you’re almost obvious in your overtures, except he’s so fucking _clueless_ all he does is snap, “Fine, go ahead, you do the flirting.”

It’s the first time you’ve seen his emotionless facade actually break. Your vascular pumping organ melts behind your thoracic cage and your knees go a little weak.

“You’re a fucking idiot,” you bite back, lifting your chin haughtily, “But you’ve obviously got an incurable need to fix someone’s code so you might as well attempt making mine actually usable.”

There’s a tiny twitch to his jaw before he mocks, “It’s not like I like you or anything, baka.”

You roll your eyes. How the fuck does he think he’ll get anywhere romantically when he keeps sabotaging himself like that.

(He's so abysmal at normal sentient interactions, he probably doesn’t even realize that he is actually sabotaging himself. It’s disgustingly pitiable. As Dave would say, call troll life alert, you’ve fallen and you can’t get up.)

He doesn’t follow you to your computing station to hover over your shoulder like he will with anyone else. You send him the file for one of your random, pointless projects over pesterchum instead. A couple of days you get the file back filled with orange notes on exactly how terrible you actually are at coding. You grin like an idiot and bury your face in your hands.

You make his suggested corrections and send it back. When he returns it this time, there’s just a few comments on typos. He follows up the file transfer with:

TT : Why would you try to teach yourself to code by creating viruses?  
CG : BECAUSE REGARDLESS OF WHETHER OR NOT I ACTUALLY SUCCEED AT WRITING THEM, I ALWAYS SUCCEED AT PISSING SOLLUX OFF BY SENDING THEM TO HIM.  
TT : Fair point.  
TT : It is incredibly amusing pissing him off.  
TT : Especially since he cannot actually say that you’re pissing him off without biting his tongue and spitting everywhere.  
CG : YOU CAN’T FUCKING BE SERIOUS.  
CG : HE REALLY DOES HAVE A KISMESIS ALREADY AND YOU AREN’T EVEN PITCH FOR HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE.  
TT : Here I thought we were bonding over our shared homewrecking ways.  
TT : It seems I was wrong.  
CG : NO FUCKING SHIT, DOUCHELORD.  
CG : HOLY FUCK, AND I THOUGHT YOUR BROTHER WAS ROMANTICALLY INCOMPETENT.  
CG : THERE’S A HUGE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BLACK FLIRTING WITH SOMEONE AND BEING AGGRESSIVELY HATEFRIENDS.  
CG : HE’S AN ASSHOLE. I’M AN ASSHOLE. WE’RE ASSHOLES AT EACH OTHER *IN A COMPLETELY PLATONIC FASHION*.  
TT : Fascinating.  
CG : FINALLY, A SOMEWHAT INTELLIGENT COMMENT FROM YOU ON THE SUBJECT. COLOUR ME SURPRISED.  
TT : Your sarcasm wounds me.  
CG : IT’S NOT MY FAULT YOUR ENTIRE SPECIES AS A WHOLE IS OBJECTIVELY TERRIBLE AT ROMANCE.  
CG : IT’S ALSO NOT MY FAULT THAT YOU ARE PARTICULARLY FUCK AWFUL.  
TT : Yeah baby, keep talking dirty. The way you berate me gets me so hot.  
CG : FUCK ME WITH A SHITSTAINED PRINGLES CAN.  
CG : JUST SO WE’RE ABSOFUCKINGLUTLY CLEAR, I AM IN NO WAY BLACK FLIRTING WITH YOU.  
CG : HOW ANYONE COULD IS SO FAR BEYOND ME I DON’T THINK I COULD UNDERSTAND IT EVEN WITH A FULL BLOWN ACADEMIC DISSERTATION.  
TT : It is incredibly flattering being told how romantically unapealing you are. Thanks bro. I really appreciate your honesty.

He logs out immediately after and you kick your desk in frustration. You’re such a fucking idiot.

You back off, do little things instead. Things like casually leaving a can of his prefered soda next to him while you walk by or insuring that there’s enough leftover pizza for him to eat cold while he works on his various projects. When you notice he hasn’t left his work room the entire time you’ve been awake (and, according to Jade, who still keeps a largely diurnal schedule, the entire time she’s been awake as well), you slap together the healthiest sort of human food you know how and barge in to leave it just out of range of his elbow.

He doesn’t look up but you get a grunt of vague thanks. You chalk it up as a win. When you crawl out of your ‘coon the next evening, you have more than your usual new chat dialogues.

TG : u better not be movign in on my terrorotyr bubz  
TG : omfg wow *terrrtory  
TG : mucho thx 4 bringing dstri some dinner tho  
TG : i p much woulda forgot to aet myself if it wornt for janey lolol

TT : You are an absolute shit cook.

Dirk is still actively online. You figure he hasn’t slept yet, or if he has, it wasn’t for long. That thought sparks a pang of pity deep in your vascular organ because _what a fucking idiot_. Roxy is marked as away but you still take a moment to reply to her, if only so you don’t spam flushed text markers at Dirk.

CG : I HAVE NEGATIVE INTEREST IN HAVING ANY SORT OF PALE DYNAMIC WITH YOUR MOIRAIL.  
CG : YOU SHOULD WORRY MORE ABOUT HIM PITCH FLIRTING WITH YOUR KISMESIS.  
TG : lmao driks so bad at blck flirtong tho its 2 cute 2 stop x3  
CG : IT’S FUCKING EMBARRASSING IS WHAT IT IS.  
TG : sol thikns i got dirk to dot hat anyway to riel him up more  
CG : I COULD HAVE LIVED A FULL LIFE WITHOUT KNOWING HOW EXACTLY YOU TWO FLIRT, THANKS.  
TG : oh mang i ciould tell you A LOT MOAR if u kno wat i mean *wionk8  
CG : NO.  
TG : kekekekekekekekek

You squash all your face nubs flat with your palm in exasperation and switch over to Dirk’s window.

CG : SHITTY COOKING IS BETTER THAN NO COOKING FUCKNUT.  
CG : WHAT EXACTLY WERE YOU EXPECTING TO DERIVE NUTRITIONAL VALUE FROM? SOLDERING FUMES?  
TT : I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself, thank you.  
CG : APPARENTLY NOT.  
TT : Apparently so, considering I managed it for sixteen years.  
CG : SHEER ASSHATTERY IS NOT A VALID SURVIVAL SKILL.  
TT : It works well enough for me.  
CG : OF COURSE, HOW COULD I HAVE MISSED WHAT A SHINING BEACON OF GOOD HEALTH YOU ARE?  
CG : THE SUN CRISPED ZOMBIE LOOK IS SO IN THIS SEASON.  
TT : How flattering.

You screech a little in frustration; how the fuck does he _not get_ that he’s massive pity bait? He pulls all the same self deprecating bullshit half of you losers do but he believes it so completely. He’s resigned to it. Not like Eridan, who does it for attention, or like, well, you or Dave. You fucking suck and you recognize it, oh fucking well.

CG : LOOK. NOT ACTIVELY DYING DOESN’T MEAN YOU TAKE ADEQUATE CARE OF YOURSELF.  
CG : YOU’RE TOO MUCH OF A PRICKLY BASTARD TO LET ANYONE ELSE TAKE CARE OF YOU EITHER.

Dirk takes a long time to reply. You have to force your hands away from your keyboard to keep from making your flushed feelings for him overly explicit. Doing so would only make shit worse at this point.

Finally, you get a new message alert.

TT : I can take care of myself.

You press the pads of your fingers against your eye sockets hard enough to see starbursts and hiss, “You fucking idiot, just let me take care of you.”

You do the mature thing and inform him that you are leaving your block. It takes an extreme force of will to stomp off to the ablution chamber to scrub the last of the sooper clinging to you instead of his block to forcibly herd him onto his sleeping platform.

On your way back to your block, you run into Roxy, who informs you that Dirk has finally gone to bed and winks saucily at you. John ambushes you outside your door and drags you off to watch movies. You are somewhat saved from the horror that is earth action flicks by Dave and his inevitable running commentary. 

You spend the miniature movie marathon wondering if Dirk opted to sleep because you bitched at him. Sometime early morning you catch him shuffling through the room with a bowl of dry cereal and sheet wrinkles across one cheek. He stares at you with a pointed deadpan look the entire way. You swallow back a gut full of flutterbugs. It’s fucking _adorable_ that he’s actually doing reasonable living person things like eating and sleeping out of _spite_.

He immediately resumes his standard behaviour of not eating or sleeping regularly. Roxy laughs her ass off when you start aggressively leaving snacks in his general vicinity.

TG : i am so lulz stg dikr spends hafl his time now bitchng abutt how you keep moter hennign at him  
TG : i cant evn b jelly tho  
TG : tis soooooo cuuuute i cang even handle it nemore  
TG : srsly  
TG : TT : I have fuckall clue how he managed to balance a bowl of oatmeal on my welding mask but he did.  
     TT : It had apples in it.  
     TG : but did u eat it????  
     TT : It was there. Why wouldn’t I?  
TG : so presxh

GG : JUST ASK HIM OUT ALREADY GOSH!!!!!! >:OOOOOOOOO  
GG : HES IN MY BUSINESS SO MUCH  
GG : SOOOO  
GG : MUUUUUUUCH

TG : i have no clue whats worse that you totes want to bang my bro or that my bro is completely oblivious to it  
TG : literally everyone else up to and including the incredible dudely derp duo has realized this  
TG : you havent even asked my permission to take his hand in troll marriage  
TG : i am so disappointed bro  
TG : way to be culturally insensitive  
TG : shits hella offensive to my conservative southern sensibilities  
TG : my bros a delicate flower hasnt even been to his first debutante ball and here you are angling to tap that like a sol ring  
TG : holy shit wow i have spent way to much fucking time playing childrens card games with you nerds  
TG : excuse me while i ollie out and try to gather whats left of my swag  
TG : ps you can totes bang my bro it was hilarious watching him fail at flirting but now its just hella sad  
TG : like mega kicked puppy sad  
TG : shit now ive got that sarah mclachlan song stuck in my head

TA : 2eriiously kk ii do not under2tand why you thiink that priick ii2 2o piitable he act2 all hiigh and miighty but he2 2uch a fuckiing moron.

GG : ASK  
GG : HIM  
GG : OUT  
GG : ALREADY  
GG : >:OOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!  
GG : or i swear to god i will ACTUALLY PUNCH HIM the next time he tries to fix my work DX DX DX DX

CG : ARE YOU BUSY?  
TT : Not particularly.   
CG : GOOD.  
TT : Are you planning on playing jenga with any of my projects and various food items?

You don’t bother replying. You do, however, stop by the nutritional block to dump a bag of frozen potato nuggets onto a tray and shove it into the oven before making your way to his block. He flinches when you barge in. You can just barely hear him mumble, “Damnit Roxy.”

“Come on, we’re going to watch shitty movies,” you tell him.

He doesn’t turn to face you when he replies, “I’m busy,” but his shoulders don’t crawl up to his ears either.

“Take a break. There’ll be food.”

His stomach makes a suspicious noise as he swiveles his chair around. You just catch the slight frown he makes at his own organs betraying him and smirk smugly in return. Able to take care of himself your fat ass. You were fucking spot on in thinking he hinted towards being hungry.

He’s a fucking idiot and you are so stupid for him.

He stands and shuffles along behind you, like you’re leading him to his death. You’re half tempted to just pick him up. You know you can. He’s a little taller than Dave, a little broader in the shoulders, but he doesn’t eat half as much as his brother who’s ass you’ve tucked under your armpit to forcibly remove him from the room on the multiple occasions he’s been a complete fuckhead. You could lift him up and drape him around your neck if you wanted.

You don’t. You _do_ , want to that is, but you don’t do it. You just glare at him until he sits on the couch in the communal recreation block and then stomp off to collect the food you promised. You even remember to grab the tomato based sauce the other humans like so much.

When you return, he has one knee folded up against his chest, wrists crossed in front of his ankle. It would be the most defensive, pitiable posture you’ve seen from him yet if his head wasn’t up and alert. It’s still pretty pitiable. You’d probably pet his head if he were one of the other humans. If he were one of the other humans you wouldn’t have these feelings for him.

He unfolds when you come into his line of sight, crossing in front of him to drop the plate of potato nuggets onto the table in front of him. A single eyebrow twitches up over his dumb pointy glasses. You flop against the cushions on the opposite side of the couch, taking up enough space that you could reach out and touch him with three of your limbs if you really wanted to.

You start up the movie you queued. You intentionally chose a fuckawful movie for his amusement and, “A Tealblood Encounters A Troupe Of Rainbowdrinkers, One Of Which Begins Aggressively Courting The Tealblood” et cetera, et cetera certainly hits that mark. It’s the biggest piece of shit you’ve ever suffered through, including anything John’s made you watch _and_ the god awful ocular abuse that is the SBAHJ Moive Roxy passed onto Dave. The pointless quadrant smearing and quasi-forced ashrom in the sequels is utterly painful but Bellah’s moirail makes the whole thing worth it in your opinion. What a great character.

(You will also admit that the main brownblood direwoofbeast psychic is total eye candy, even if he only has bit parts in the first film.)

Dirk is visibly stunned when you tell him that, for how shitty the movie was, the books were even worse. The two of you agree to regroup after a thorough bleach based pan scouring for the second in the series. 

You just barely manage to maintain some semblance of composure until you reach your block, face planting in the mound of odds and ends and a copious amount of bedding you keep for reading in. You slap your hands against the mound a couple of times and shriek internally in a way that is not exactly internal.

The goofy snort-laugh of a particular set of humans makes you jerk back upright. Jade is perched crosslegged in your desk chair, leaning forward with the biggest shit eating grin you’ve seen to date. Your obviously hot face makes her cackle like the fucking witch she is while she bounds over and drops loose limbed into the _mound_ constructed purely for lounging in next to you.

She rolls onto her side and props her torso up onto one elbow. You drop your face back down in the vain hopes you’ll suffocate on wooly hand knit afghans.

“So,” she drawls, grin bright and wide and adorably vicious, “You finally asked him out, huh?”

You reply simply, “No,” but you’re not dumb enough to miss the grin in your voice. You can feel her bounce a bit before scooting closer. The sharp jut of her jaw digs into your shoulder while she seriously plasters herself right up against you and wiggles like her demon woofbeast. When you dare turn your head enough to glare at her out of the corner of your eye, you find her grinning at you so close you can practically see your reflection in her teeth. It’d be terrifying if she wasn’t squished up against you wagging her ass like she has a fucking tail in a _fucking pile_.

It’s still kind of terrifying and not just because you know exactly how competent she is.

“We’ve agreed to watch a movie at some point tomorrow evening,” you say through a mouthful of pile. She bounces again and rolls away from you to splay her limbs out spread eagle.

“Oh man, I am soooo glad. I was starting to think I’d have to ask someone to step in and auspitize or like, actually beat him upside the head with something because I am totally not okay with being his replacement Jake!”

“He’s an incredibly obtuse motherfucker when it comes to _any_ sort of romantic interaction.”

Jade giggles, “Wow, could you sound any more infatuated?”

“Oh my fucking god, no,” you groan, “Shut up.”

“Make me -- “ she actually fucking sticks her tongue out at you, the wiggler, and then waggles her eyebrows “ -- It’s super cute how flushed you are for him.”

You frown, “Don’t you fucking flirt concupiscent with me you gross, quadrant smearing alien, you.”

She cackles again and punches you in the shoulder.

“I’m already downright fucking _scandalized_ at this unsolicited feelings jam you’ve initiated,” you grouse at her, glaring without intent.

“Oh, shoosh, mister grumpypants,” she laughs, applying her palm to the side of your face haphazardly, “You’ve got a hot date with a giant asshole coming up.”

You roll over with a sigh to lay on your back, fingers folded across your abdomen. You’re used to humans being the biggest pale sluts in the universe. However, except for the couple of times John has intentionally been an asshole about papping because he’s a giant douche, none of them actually seriously pursue palerom. Jade hopping into a pile with you like it’s drone season and she’s angling for concupiscent relations instead makes you incredibly suspicious.

She shrugs.

“I kind of wanted someone to vent about the whole Dirk thing with but all the boys are just _so dumb_ sometimes and Rose is _Rose_ and I still think troll romance is kind of silly with all the rules but pulling Roxy in as a middle leaf clover thing when they’re basically moirails is definitely a douche move regardless -- “

She breaks off to inhale and you interject flatly, “So instead you pile up with me to pitch bitch about my flush crush.”

Her snort-laugh makes you grin, but only a little bit.

“ _Well_ , when you put it like that!” She laughs some more and pokes your nose, “Really, you’re the most obvious choice to talk about romancey things with. _You’re_ the one who hopped into your pile like a super excited puppy!”

“It wasn’t a pile until you crawled in and started talking about feelings, Harley!”

She sputters with laughter and drops her palm across your right eye socket; pale flirting while descended from a species hellbent on either coddling or murdering the fuck out of every other member of the species and she’s not even effective at papping. Humans are so useless and pitiable. It’s an incredibly good thing this port of the universe wound up as a terrible crossover of their planet and yours, heavy on the Earth, because they would be incredibly fucked if Her Imperious Condescension invaded.

You nudge her hand away and delicately pap her cheek, assuring her, “On the off chance that idiot actually picks up on the fact that I’m flirting with him hard enough to make every other hormone riddled bulge-for-brains embarrassed, I’ll do my best to entertain him enough that he stops trying pitch with you.”

She snorts, “You should just kiss him. No way he’d misconstrue that!”

You push at her face enough that she actually rolls out of the pile laughing while you groan, “Fuck no, romancing a pissy bitch like him is a delicate operation. I can’t rely on heavy handed tactics like that!”

You say that but you dwell on the idea of it once Jade leaves. Assaulting one’s object of affections with kissing out of no where without an established relationship seems to be a human romcom cliche, from what little you’ve seen. It’d be more likely for you to get parts of your face bitten off with another troll but you’d bet your last boonbuck that Dirk would be so surprised by the action he’d stop dead. You’ve seen Dave do that a couple of times, usually under similar circumstances -- the time John casually proposed a “no homo bromo” make out session just to try stands out as the most amusing -- and they’re similar enough thanks to their genetic ties that you can see Dirk doing the same.

It’d be cute, you think.

However, you also think it’s just as likely that he’d shut down and fuck off completely because he is just _so awful_ at interacting. You firmly decide against it.

You’re absolutely amazed that you don’t have to drag his ass out of his block the next evening. He’s perched on one of the counters of the nutrition block, obviously waiting for you. Your organs flip around in your abdominal cavity. You weren’t expecting that. You haven’t even showered yet, intending to obtain something to shove into your face hole for fast breaking before you initiated your post slumber routine. Commandeering the entertainment system was supposed to wait until later.

(He’s not even actually diurnal, why is he already up?)

“I swear, you had better have slept at some point in the last planetary revolution. You are fully obligated to watch the entire god damned horror show that is ‘The Second Installment Of A Tealblood Encounters A Troupe Of Rainbowdrinkers’ et cetera, et cetera. I’ve watched it on my own already. I can personally attest to the fact that it is the cinematic equivalent of a rotting concupiscent chute plug of a massive diameter. I went into shock from how bad it was and nearly choked and died on the rage vomit I spewed. It’s literally considered a torture device in some circles.”

“You make it sound so pleasant.”

You roll your eyes; you’re way too used to Rose’s sniping to be affected by his. The movie isn’t supposed to sound particularly pleasant to watch anyway. It’s a pretty common movie to watch on hate-dates because of how fucking awful it is.

“It’s not supposed to be pleasant,” you tell him, digging out an acceptable breakfast from the fridge, “It’s supposed to be ironic.”

“What is?” Dave asks from behind you.

“Troll Twilight,” Dirk replies flatly. 

Dave huffs a laugh. You kick the fridge closed and turn to glower at him. He just slides his shades down his nose to give you an over exaggerated wink and deadpans, “Kinky,” before walking away. You stare after him in complete fucking confusion.

“What the crotch blistering fuck?”

“Don’t ask me. The mind of a Strider is an enigma, even unto other Striders.”

It’s too fucking early to question your friend’s alien behaviour. You’re still crusted over in some places with dried sopor for fuck’s sake.

Dirk slides off the counter when you make to leave the nutritional block. He doesn’t follow you and you’re not sure if you’re disappointed or not. You have yet to complete your second date so any and all fantasies of xenophilic pailing are completely inappropriate.

Especially since he may not even realize you considered watching the movie last night to be a date in the first place.

You have an active chat window when you return to your block.

GA : Rose Has Informed Me That Dave Has Informed Her That You And The Other Strider Are Going To Watch A Movie Together Tonight  
GA : Specifically “A Tealblood Encounters A Troupe Of Rainbowdrinkers”  
GA : I Must Say I Am Impressed At The Depth Of Your Feelings For Him Considering How Gleefully You Burned Your Copies Of The Novels  
CG : THE THINGS WE DO IN THE NAME OF ROMANCE.  
GA : Indeed.  
GA : I Am Also Supposed To Inquire Over Whether You Would Be Willing To Loan Us Your Copies Of The Series  
GA : Rose Does Not Fully Understand Why I Found The Notion Of You Intending To Watch That Movie In Particular With Your Flush Crush So Amusing  
GA : Ironically Dave Did  
CG : DAVE AND I HAD A SWEEP AND A FUCKING HALF TO WASTE WHILE YOU AND HIS SISTER WERE  
CG : AND I DO NOT SAY THIS LIGHTLY AND WITHOUT AN EXTREME AMOUNT OF DISGUST  
CG : BUSY.

TT : Am I supposed to extrapolate the idea that you and my darling brother flirted towards concupiscent relations while on the meteor?  
TT : My other brother, the one that you are not currently courting, that is.  
CG : QUIT READING OVER YOUR MATESPRIT’S SHOULDER YOU FUCKING CREEPAZOID. WE’RE TRYING TO HAVE A CONVERSATION.

It doesn’t take long for you to give up on fending off Rose’s psychological brain tentacles, especially not after you finish eating. You’ve ablutions to get to and then a movie to watch.

Dave high fives you on your way from your block to the ablutions chamber. John, Jade and Roxy ambush you on your way from the ablutions chamber back to your block. 

Jade tackles you in a hug and lifts you off your feet and you have zero fucking clue how considering you tower a full head and horns over her. John slaps you on the back just above where his sister’s arms are wrapped around you and Roxy bounces on the balls of her feet and wiggles her eyebrows.

“So,” she croons, “Troll Twilight?”

John wrinkles his nose, “If it’s anything like human Twilight, I feel sorry for you. Dave made me watch it like three months ago and it was _so_ bad. But I guess it’s supposed to be a romcom?”

You wiggle out of Jade’s grip and snap, “‘Troll Twilight’ is not supposed to be anything remotely resembling a romcom.”

You escape the clutches of the three humans in a relatively timely manner. The entertainment block is empty when you arrive, free of humans and trolls alike. That also includes your… chosen movie watching accomplice for the evening. You settle onto the couch and pull out your handheld computing device to message him.

CG : HAVE YOU FINISHED FORTIFYING YOUR BRAIN SPONGE AGAINST THE COSMIC CINEMATIC HORROR THAT IS THE SECOND INSTALLMENT OF “A TEALBLOOD ENCOUNTERS A TROUPE OF RAINBOWDRINKERS” ETC ETC?  
TT : It seems safe to assume that you have completed your morning beauty routines.  
CG : I HAVE INDEED COMPLETED THE REQUIRED PREENING RITUALS BELONGING TO YOUR HUMAN TEENAGED FEMALES.  
TT : You spend way too much fucking time around Dave, bro.  
CG : EXCUSE ME FOR BEING THE ONLY FUCKING ONE IN THIS GAPING ASSHOLE OF A UNIVERSE TO ACTIVELY PARTICIPATE IN *CULTURAL EXCHANGE*.  
TT : I don’t think listening to Dave’s inane ramblings actually counts as cultural exchange. Not in the broader sense of the phrase at least.  
TT : As I mentioned, we Striders are an enigma.   
TT : One could even go so far as to say that we have a culture of our own.  
CG : SURE.  
CG : JUST HURRY THE FUCK UP AND GET YOUR EGOTISTICAL, CULTURALLY ENIGMATIC ASS TO THE ENTERTAINMENT BLOCK.

He walks into the room a couple minutes later, limbs loose and relaxed and with a tiny smile you bet he probably doesn’t even notice he has. Your bloodpusher throbs in response.

“No snacks this time?” he asks, dropping onto the couch across from you, “I thought you’d be a better waifu than that.”

You roll your eyes hard enough to actually hurt. “I thought you could take care of yourself.”

He actually _laughs_ at that. It’s just an amused exhale but it’s way fucking more than anything else you’ve heard from him. You situate yourself at an angle so you can see him in your peripheral vision, your back wedged into the corner of the couch, and queue up the film. You’ve already suffered through the first of the saga; you’re not really all that interested in subjecting your ganderbulbs to any more. It’s a lot more interesting watching his facial expressions instead of the movie anyway. Like Dave, he tends to hold a neutral facade but he’s no where near as good as Dave is at maintaining it while he thinks no one is looking.

You have to look away to keep from laughing your ass off at how his deadpan blank face blooms to an exasperated grimace, complete with wrinkled nose and down turned lips. It’s fucking absurd in conjunction with his completely ridiculous eyewear. Absurd and adorable.

“This would be so much better if they focused more on the conflicts between the rainbowdrinker factions instead of the shitty romance,” Dirk grouses, “Even Troll Esme’s thing for eating lusii is more interesting.”

“What do you expect from a goldblood’s filial fantasy?”

“I have no fucking clue; I’d hope something other than the clichest of cliches but at this point that’s the only thing making this trainwreck worth watching.”

You snicker, “The books are worse.”

“They always are.”

You don’t often have nice things to say about past you because, honestly, you tend to be a fucking idiot, but in this case past you was fucking genius.

Jade accosts you in the early morning looking like she can’t decide between being pissed off that’s she’s up at this hour when she tries to keep diurnal or really fucking pleased over something. She leans up on her toes to drape one arm across your shoulder and subsequently go limp against you.

“Roxy has spent the last hour liveblogging Dirk’s liveblogging of Troll Twilight at me,” she says. You deflate a little from your earlier successful date high.

“I swear to Billious fucking Slick if that chute wafer went to watch the rest of the series without me, I will end him.”

“He’s reading the _books_ ,” Jade laughs, “I think that means he likes you.”

Sure enough, Dirk emerges from his block by the time you opt to return to your ‘coon. He shoves a book at you and simply states, “I fucking can’t,” before walking away.

It’s a poorly alchemized copy of “A Tealblood Encounters A Troupe Of Rainbowdrinkers, One Of Which Begins Aggressively Courting The Tealblood” et cetera, et cetera, the novel. The cover is even more of a cosmic shit on paper than the one you remember but the text inside looks more or less correct, with only the occasional bout of corrupted artifacts. There’s also a lot of orange pen.

You end up staying awake way longer than you intended, reading all his notes on the novel. You don’t regret it because it’s a glorious doorway into his mind, including the fact that he is apparently fluent in Alternian. It’s fucking hilarious and utterly adorable how, by the end of his notes approximately a third of the way through, he stops with a pointed, This is so fucking awful.

You grin the entire way through.

The next evening, you shove the book back at him, beaming, and say, “Your handwriting is fucking atrocious but I literally laughed so hard I almost puked.”

Dirk takes the book from you almost gingerly, raising one eyebrow over the rim of his sunglasses. There’s a tiny tilt of a smile to his lips and a faint dusting of pink on his cheeks.

“Thanks, I suppose I’ll take that as a compliment.”

You sweep him up on a bone crushing hug that lifts him off his feet. He makes a fantastic squawk of surprise. The book is smashed between your thoracic cavity and his, the sharp corners digging into your flesh. It’s worth it for the puff of air against your neck that signals his laughter.

He’s pinker in the face than he was when you set him back down, his shades askew. He clutches at the fucking book like a lifeline and your breath hitches as a purr picks up under your ribs.

The two of you stand around in the hall awkwardly before he shrugs, still pink in the face, and heads towards the entertainment block. John is already there, watching one of pan numbingly awful action flicks with Dave, Vriska, and Tavros. Dirk stops dead in the entryway while his brother slowly turns his head and slides his shades down his nose to give him a _look_. It’s a look you recognize from many pale romcoms. You roll your eyes at the human species' general pale infidelity and duck down a little to whisper to Dirk, “We could bipass these fuckers completely and watch movies in my block instead.”

Your bloodpusher flutters as he shrugs and slides past you to head back down the hall. To your block.

Once you’re there, you queue up the next installment of “A Tealblood Encounters A Troupe Of Rainbowdrinkers” mostly just for something to do because your flush crush is _in your block_ after making some pretty fucking significantly plausible romantic overtures. He’s in your block to watch movies with you even after you made a complete fool of yourself by nearly squeezing his pan out his asshole with that sorry excuse for a hug.

“Do we have to watch this?” Dirk asks flatly as you settle into your lounging mound.

You tell him, “You fucking bet we do.”

“And if I wanted to do something else?”

You literally choke on air in shock at the way he croons the words, as suave as a romcom’s main love interest. He drops to a knee in your pile over you and you fucking shiver. And then his attempts at seduction sputters and dies while he freezes up and goes pink again. The sheer level of _oh fuck, what do I do now_ is palpable.

You swoon even harder and pull him against your chest to actually kiss his stupid, moronic, utter romantic failure of a face.


End file.
